Mountain Out of a Molehill

“You failed the exam”, she screamed. 

Dejection engulfed me like a cloud, and I couldn't breathe. I had gotten good marks before this, and they got taken away so cruelly. Instead of letting it go or distracting myself, I kept going and checking the results every few hours. And got pushed deeper down the abyss of sorrow. 

“You should have worked harder, smarter, not have been lazy.”. And I saw the large stick in her hand and cowered. 

She was not an abuser outside of me - she was my critical self, reigning supreme in this vulnerable moment. 

And I am not a school student who got less grades. My conditioning made me behave so, but I am a 40 something mother of a pre-teen, on a health programme, and had just checked my Blood pressure. After some encouraging evidence that I was doing well in the programme, the number now looked off. The critic rose, telling me that I have never done well in situations requiring only internal validation. “If I don’t flog you now, you will rest indefinitely, and never get up”, she said. 

I look at the BP reading, and feel ashamed of myself and my body. I treat my body like it's a mountain, who does not want to budge one bit to any effort or push from my side. It's stubborn, not doing enough, and is lazy. It does not understand the seriousness of this undertaking. Fed up, I reach for the magic glasses, without any hope of anything changing. 

Only thing, the scene does change. I am seeing myself check the BP reading, and this time I do not have thoughts about how my health is not improving. It's just a number, which is a bit off, and surprising to me. There are some reasons for it that I could see right away - I had not slept the previous night, I had some stress that morning. Today was actually not a good day to measure. I would not measure again today. The doctor had said, that my trajectory was improving, and that I could try reducing the dosage and watch for sometime. That is what I was now doing. Watching. And this was not a time to judge or evaluate, it was not even my job to. And if the readings continue to remain high, it just means that my body needs a slower pace of change with medication, and we will learn with time. I see my body, my closest friend on earth, always serving me, despite me treating it whichever way I want. It has issues and it still does its best, every single day. 

And it is wise. It heals itself from illnesses and injuries. It knows. So if it still shows that it needs medication for some more time, so be it. My body is responding to my effort at the pace that is healthy and comfortable for it, and I am really grateful for it. 

I honour the signal that the BP reading is giving me, and am watchful. But I don’t judge myself or my body because of a signal. I take action from a place of peace and know what to do. 

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